harsh realisation. need time. bye bye.

[This is a rant. This is a really ranty ranty rant. Feel free to avoid.

EDIT: Allow me to clarify here that I'm not talking about the whole genre. I was talking about specific songs when I wrote this, songs that sounded factory processed, and that weren't really moving at all. Just the stuff that sounded like an overnight job.

This rant was more a release of frustration at the people who I showed my music but they didn't really appreciate it because it wasn't their genre, because they loved the radio commercial stuff, and I was rather angry at that, and in the heat of that moment I wrote this entry. So - don't take it personal ]

Deep down inside I know I could write the commercial crap that becomes popular.
The world hating, identity crisis, tongue in cheek, bottled music.
Deep down I know that if I actually tried I could write all this pre-determined **** and my friends would love it and I would get commercial success.
It's so easy. Power chords, minor key. Intro, Verse, chorus, bridge, outro. Rhythm line, melody line, bass line, repetitive drums. It's so bloody easy.
And yet...
That's not expression. That's just a song. There's no artistic merit, no strength in that song. It's just a song.

In my personal opinion, my best songs are the ones that aren't always the most liked, but they're the ones that, when I strike the final note, I feel complete. I feel like I've said something, like I've told a story, relived an event, expressed a desire, and done it perfectly.

And maybe it doesn't have to be 'listeneable'. Maybe it doesn't have to be commercially viable. It shouldn't have to be! It should be something that makes me feel good, makes me feel relieved, makes me feel complete.

Don't let anyone tell you what to write. Ever. Write what you want to write, what you need to write, what flows through your fingers even if it's not what you expect.

Don't let people's opinions distract you from the simplicity of expression.

Heck, it's late.

So this is going to be more of a spontaneous, thoughts-running-through-my-head sort of diary, rather than a tutorial or anything.

So! I'm writing a song. One of the many.

This isn't the first time I've written a song where the context of the lyrics is fabricated. And yet there's a certain detachment to that. To be honest, it's a detachment I crave. It feels great playing a song and hearing your own words but knowing the conflict isn't something that you're going through. Somehow, that's an encouraging thing. It's like writing a story about someone surviving a nightmarish horror story, running from zombies and chasing against time as their wounds slowly bleed out - but feeling somehow relieved while you write it because it's not happening to you. This is one of the great things about the news. You watch, and you see how much some are suffering, and it makes you appreciate your warm bed so much more. Funny how it's hard for us to see that until we suffer ourselves. Every night I pray to God, thanking him that I have a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over my head and a computer in my room, that I am still alive. Sometimes I'm not so grateful.

Humans on a whole tend to be ungrateful. Hence a growing misanthropy. Many of my close friends will confess to a miserable day. When I ask them why, all but always I will be stunned that such little problems have made them so 'crap'. I wish that my biggest problem was what someone said to me in the yard. Because I'd know how to deal with it.
You're always faced with the problems you don't know how to deal with, I've noticed.

I've had a great evening, actually. I spent my day working on the tricky editing bits of my friend's media film, got home and after some tea and complete blankmindedness I picked up the guitar. Now, nighttime is always my favourite time to write music. When your brain is half conscious, relaxed and intoxicated by fatigue, then is when creativity cannot be interrupted by intellect. Your inhibition is loosened by the weariness and for me it's like alcohol, except it doesn't taste like a garbage can. Florence welsh likes writing when drunk for the same reasons.
Shae was online tonight. I have the greatest respect for that girl. She endures a lot and she's always trying to be happy. [I made a mistake here which I shall now amend with omittion. I apologise to the person directed, even though they will never read this, for misunderstanding her.]
We'd actually been dnm'ing and got to a point where we had finished what we were saying, so I decided to ask if she could help me with some lyrics i'd been struggling with. The problem was with the flow, and perhaps an overabundance of syllables. It was like so:

Maybe I was just a fool
Writing songs I knew would never sound as sweet
But I was writing them for you
But that was not enough for you

(The last two lines fit the structure of the chord progression when in practice)

The issue here springs out at me now like it should have before - both last lines end in 'for you'. The repetition was not the only problem here however - it was noticed between us that its quite ambiguous. Would never sound as sweet as what? Now, sometimes an incomplete simile or ambiguity of any kind can contribute to a better lyric flow - it can leave the song open to the interpretation of the audience. In this case, Shae interpreted completely differently to what i expected. This led her to suggest that we fix it by changing line three to finish the simile. However, I wanted to keep line three. It carries the meaning of an unappreciative recipient.
We decided on

Maybe I was just a fool
Writing songs I knew would never sound as sweet
As the ones that were not true
But, I was writing them for you

This encapsulates how I felt about someone before - i was frustrated that I could not write a song for her that was as beautiful as fabricated songs, and yet, i was even more frustrated that she couldn't at least appreciate that i was writing a song for her. So if I feel like my song is expressing what I want it to express, then my job is done. At least for now - there's all the other verses to work on!

What's the point in saying all this? First of all, feedback and co-operation is the best thing that ever happened in songwriting. Shae actually said that helping to write made her feel happier. I feel happier too. This is why a working band synergy will best any independent musician. And hey, after all, I have better lyrics now!

Co-operation and assistance is not necessary, but it is simply beautiful. If you can find someone who you can trust, and someone who you can brainstorm with, then you have the best thing in the world.
Feedback, as well, is an important tool - but a risky one. You risk everything if you take feedback too seriously. But that's for another journal.

This week marks one year of playing guitar.

HECK YEAAHHHHH.

I probably have enough songs to fill an album. If I got around to finishing them all of course.

Never write songs for someone. Sooner or later you wish you never had.

Buuut I don't care what people think about my songs anymore, 'cause they make me feel better to express myself, so I'm gonna keep writing them. 8D

I might start uploading journals about songwriting. If I'm online at the time and in the mood. Songwriting is a certain psychology that makes you see the world differently. Often you leave with a fresher perspective. Or a warped one. It depends.

Not sure whether to upload lyrics here for feedback or not.

Anyway. Peace out chaps. Have a great one.

For those who pray, I need a prayer.

I do not want to put the reasons on the internet for all to view, but pray that I get through this with my sanity, my happiness, and my respect.

Right now, getting at least one of those granted will be an absolute miracle.

When I am out of this, I will testify to freedom, another testimony to add to my ever-growing list. Or perhaps I will write a song.